PHP Participant Stories

Your PHP Participant Story can help others and we would love to hear from you.  Please consider taking a few moments to write about how your PHP helped you in your recovery journey.  All stories are anonymous and could help make a difference in the lives of others.

Click here if you would like to share your PHP Participant Story.

February 19, 2021
I am a frontline provider at a busy hospital at the epicenter of the COVID pandemic. Most days, I get home from work completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I collapse on the floor and can barely summon the energy to speak. When I do it is often unintelligible. My family looks at me in horror. My back aches from long shifts spent hunched over critically ill COVID patients. My face is raw and sore and chafed. There were many shifts when I had to wear inadequate PPE and there was the constant awareness of putting my own health and that of my family in jeopardy. Many patients are on ventilators and have a grim prognosis. For those that are lucky to be awake, there is never quite enough time for compassion or connection. There are always more patients to see, the hospital quite literally overflowing with patients. The final indignity is that we were forced to take a pay cut which was even more demoralizing.

But throughout this pandemic, even in the worst of times, I have always felt that I will be okay and that I can get through this with grace. A number years ago, I experienced a devastating personal and mental health crisis and was introduced to the Physician Health Program. Through their guidance and support, I was able to get the necessary treatment and therapy to get my life and career back on track. The enduring lesson from that experience is that I cannot rely on willpower and self-reliance alone to overcome anxiety, substance abuse or PTSD. That was an extremely difficult and uncomfortable lesson to learn because willpower and self-reliance are the very traits which helped me excel at every level of my education and medical career. It took time, but I ultimately learned to embrace vulnerability and fallibility not as a weakness but as a sign of my humanity. As I moved forward with my life, it was with a commitment to always put personal health, wellness and family first over career and ambition. 

As we start the new year and the pandemic rages unabated, I made the difficult decision to cut back on my work hours. This had paid immediate dividends on my overall mood and energy level. I reconnected with a therapist I used to see which has been incredibly helpful. Also important has been making sure to get plenty of sleep. I used to take pride in being able to get by on only 4 to 6 hours of sleep but now I aim for at least 8 hours each night. I eat a healthy diet and get regular exercise. I meditate and practice yoga daily. I am reading more and watching more TV. As I write this, I have an awareness that these may come across as indulgences in the midst of a national and global health crisis. But I assure you that these are not indulgences, these are critical things that I need to do to be at my best as a provider and serve the public. 

When I wake up in the morning to get ready for another difficult day at work, I feel well-rested. My head is clear and my heart is open. I listen to inspirational music as I drive in to work and I feel incredible gratitude – gratitude for my own health and also for the privilege to be able to help others in this time of need.

Flourishing after Guidance and Therapy

June 25, 2020
Originally from Switzerland, I was fortunate to attend medical school at ETH Zurich-Swiss Federal Institute of Technology.  I moved to the United States where I completed a five year Surgical Residency in acute care at a prestigious school on the east coast.  While the training I received during the 1970’s was one of the best in the country, I did not learn about how to handle stress and have appropriate professional boundaries in the operating room.

Being raised in a country other than the United States, I was used to communicating in a blunt, but joking manner. However, later in my career this was identified as harassment and I learned the nurses I worked with in the operating room felt uncomfortable with my demeanor.  I also was charged with Driving While Intoxicated (DWI) and eventually was referred to Colorado Physician Health Program (CPHP) for an evaluation. 

At first I felt reluctant to attend my evaluation; I was scared, worried and afraid of being judged. From the moment I arrived, I was treated with the utmost respect, care and understanding.  The CPHP staff were gracious and listened to me without criticism.  As part of my evaluation, I was also tested for a Substance Use Disorder (SUD), which thankfully I did not have.  I willingly took a variety of in-state and out-of-state classes. I was referred to a therapist specifically trained to work with physicians displaying signs of extreme stress along with professional boundary issues.

The help that I received from CPHP, the classes and therapy was invaluable, as I also realized that the pressure from the operating room was not beneficial for my health.  With guidance from my therapist and CPHP, I chose to change my occupational focus and am now flourishing in an administrative role, leading and guiding others. I do not know where I would be today if not for the confidential help and assistance of the staff at CPHP.

Entering the PHP Saved My Life

March 9, 2020
I first entered a PHP nearly fifteen years ago as a second-year resident. I had been struggling in many ways (depression, pills, overwhelmed as a resident). Entering the PHP saved my life, though at the time it was extremely scary. I attended a ninety-day treatment program and then began their program of groups, 12 step meetings, and therapy. I was a model participant with doing all of the “checklists,” but never really fell into the fold of the 12-step program. I did make some very strong bonds with some other members of the program and from my treatment center. I made a positive decision in my career to leave that residency and pursue a career in primary care. Time passed in a good way as I began to enjoy life again and I made plans to relocate to a different state due to family reasons. The PHP program was undergoing some major changes and I was “graduated” early in three years. At that time, I could not imagine ever using drugs again. I was referred to an attorney to discuss applying for a new state license who told me to never disclose my past of having a “problem with drugs” and going to treatment because I would never get approved. To my detriment, I did not enter another PHP upon my move.

I remained in recovery for three more years, but after having my first child, I had some postpartum health issues and untreated depression. I believe my relapse was triggered as a result. Without a safety net of a recovery community and robust PHP support, I nearly lost everything.

More than six years ago, the DEA intervened upon me in my office after I saw my first patient of the day and referred me to my state’s PHP. The PHP has saved my life and has given me back my professional career. It was a terrifying moment, but without the PHP, I am not sure I would have survived that day.

The director of the PHP has advocated for me from that day forward, every step of the way. I went back to a ninety-day treatment program and successfully completed it. This time, I focused and fully embraced the 12-step program. With counselors, I worked very hard on my spiritual development. My relapse was severe, and I had personal, professional, and legal consequences. Truly, I had to learn to live life one day at a time. Life was very challenging for some period of time in many ways, emotionally, physically, and professionally. I am grateful every day to just be alive. Ultimately, I was convicted in federal court in March 2014 of a misdemeanor, and it has been through my PHP and through many miracles that I returned to work in my town as a family physician. The DEA reinstated my license within a year, and I have committed to lifelong monitoring through PHP as I believe not staying within a PHP and not working a 12-step program were my biggest mistakes.

As with many PHP participants, early recovery is filled with many challenges and some small victories that feel huge to the participants. I have been extremely fortunate to be enrolled in such a supportive PHP. I had an incredible physician who happened to be my OB/GYN and had two more children in my recovery. I returned to work in 2014 and felt a sense of self-worth and the rays of sun slowly return to my life.

Today, I have over six years of recovery. I have a family that is truly supportive of my recovery. My closest friends are those in recovery. It is a beautiful community to join. We are fueled by a strong sense of gratitude. Recovery does not promise an easy life, but it is easier when I am in recovery.

I ran up and over three mountains to celebrate my five years of recovery in a challenging mountain race that took nearly eight hours to complete. Symbolic of my journey of peaks and valleys, I felt a push to send my career in a different direction, knowing it would take a lot of family support for me to go and work full-time with a young family. I am now working toward board certification in addiction medicine via the addiction medicine fellowship. Anything is possible in recovery. My PHP director asked me early on in my recovery to dream of my five- and my ten-year plan and keep working to achieve it.

The 12-step program is the cornerstone of my recovery. I like to think I am working on my faith and spirituality on a daily basis; it is always a work in progress. I believe that a strong PHP can save your life, your license, and your career if you are willing to follow directions and do the next right thing. By sharing my story, I believe I can help another healthcare professional reach out for help.

When we moved yet again, there was no question that I would join the PHP, although I have more than five years of recovery. As I applied for my state license, I had the opportunity to meet with the medical board to review my past and application. I informed them that I wanted to continue with a PHP indefinitely. The members of the board told me in surprised voices that I was the first physician to ever voluntarily do so. I hope I am not the last.

Deliverance: One Physician's Reflections on Redemption and Paying It Forward

March 9, 2020
I might have been frightened or sad, but I'd been numb for so long that I wasn't sure how I felt. I had been approached by the anesthesia residency directors, who were concerned that I'd developed a drug problem. I immediately denied this but acknowledged that I was impaired on the basis of depression, that I was suicidal, and that I was struggling. Apparently, they had seen this before because they did not press me for more, and only requested that I be admitted for psychiatric evaluation. And so, one of them, my mentor, accompanied me to my apartment, watched me as I packed up some things, managed to kick the trashcan full of broken vials and syringes out of view, and then drove me to a psychiatric facility. I learned later that the prior two residents approached by the staff actually overdosed after the intervention; he was just delivering me safely to a locked unit.

I never planned on telling anyone—that I'd grown tired of waiting for an antidepressant to work, that I'd felt overwhelmed by the rigors of training, by the deterioration of my marriage, and by a sense of dread that I was over my head—that I'd injected some fentanyl into my arm, on call, in the surgeons’ lounge at 2 a.m. And the syringes were right there, loaded up in my pocket, ready for emergency use. The relief was immediate and dramatic; I felt a sense of calm and well-being beyond belief. So, I made a crazy deal with myself, to just use this little remedy temporarily until my mood lifted, until the divorce was over, until whatever. I became lost in this ethereal world. When the shame and fear came up, another injection made them subside.

Having been caught, I was certain that admitting an addiction would be my end. But after not having to be a doctor, surrounded by other suffering human beings, I somehow let go. I allowed myself to be out of control, to be impaired, sick, needy. I asked the nurse to let me call my doctor late one evening before I lost my courage, and l admitted the truth. I was transferred to a substance abuse unit where I learned about my disease. I began to imagine that I could actually go on and find a way to live, that I still had some value, and that this disease could be managed. But there was nothing in place for me to deal with what was to become of my life as a doctor. When my insurance ran out, I was released to learn that the anesthesia department felt it best to not have me continue in the field: too much temptation.

I was very much alone then and didn't know what to do. How would I explain myself applying for work in an ER or as a house physician? Who would want such a deeply flawed and vulnerable specimen? I'd fallen far from the grace of my Ivy League education, fine recommendations, and promising academic future. Even my brother, my role model and greatest support, was heard to utter the conclusion that I'd ruined my career. I felt this, too, but I also had a notion of having narrowly escaped killing myself and ruining my chance of a life. ls there a place for a doctor who has flaws, who got depressed and addicted and acted badly? What happened to all that learning and desire to help?

I managed to get some work as a house physician, working the moonlighter shift on the medical floors of area hospitals. The truth is that during those nights in the CCU or on the medical floors as a house physician, uncertain and anxious, with no great teachers or inspiring leaders to watch over me, I discovered what being a doctor might be. I discovered that I'd been trained well and that I could still think right and do the job well. I was getting things right and helping people. I was not an imposter. Medicine seemed like an incredible gift, an honor, and maybe l still deserved a chance.

After being sober for eight months I got into a conversation with a lawyer in an AA meeting. He told me that if l wanted to continue in medicine, I needed proof that I was sober. Addicts lie and the medical community is aware of this liability; no one would believe me or should believe me without having a record of sobriety.

There was no physician health committee in Pennsylvania at that time, but other states had them. New Jersey was close by, so I became the first doctor to turn myself in to the New Jersey Physicians' Health Committee, looking for a monitoring program and professional support. This included years of random testing to support my sobriety and to face the consequences of filling out licensing and credentialing forms honestly. It also included advocacy and support. There were people there telling me that I could still practice good medicine and end up doing well if I was mindful of my very human limits. I became friendly with a psychiatrist around that time and ended up looking to complete my training by specializing in psychiatry. It was not easy and after five years of sobriety, most programs declined based on my addiction history. I remained candid and honest. I only needed one program to take a risk and I found one with a program director who believed in recovery—a fortunate event that brought me to an evolving and full career.

When I took my first professional job, I joined the Physician Health Committee. l recalled my shame and self-doubt. I remembered my relief to find support within the medical community as well as the fortuitous way I learned about the need for advocacy. I wanted to return the grace and kindness shown to me. And I wanted to keep mindful of my own recovery in every way possible and to remain grateful.

“The PHP Saved Me” – A Story of Recovery from Depression and Attempted Suicide

July 22, 2019
In 2018 I hit a low point in my life. I had been suffering from untreated depression for some time which had worsened after my divorce. I spent the next few years sweeping it under the rug. However, after some significant life transitions, another failed relationship, spine injury and loss of a beloved dog, I felt hopeless. I made a poor decision and attempted suicide. After awakening in the ICU two days after an intentional overdose, I was introduced to the Physicians Health Program. I previously had not known of it's existence. Initially it was incredibly scary and I did not know what was going to happen. I was referred through the PHP for full psychological evaluation which ultimately confirmed severe depression. I began intensive counseling three times per week and started antidepressants. Though I had been at a low point in my life, I truly wanted to get better. I just did not have the ability to do it on my own. I actively participated in therapy and did whatever was asked by the PHP. Within 6 months I felt like myself again. I wasn't sad. I no longer thought about death. I felt, well, happy. Life began to look different to me. I had been provided a new chance at life. In short, the PHP saved me. It helped me get the help I desperately needed when I didn't have the strength to do it on my own. While it may not seem a perfect fit for everyone, for me it was life saving and I am now one year out and grateful for the help. 

Journey of Struggles but with a Light at the End of the Tunnel

April 1, 2019
I was referred to the Washington Physician's Health Program (WPHP) through my work due to health issues which prevented me from performing at my best level. Initially, I did not have much knowledge around how the process works and was very nervous about the length of time this will take. Once I met the WPHP team during the first interview, things were clearer and everyone was very receptive and caring. The team was considerate and allowed me to participate in the treatment program of my choice. I realized that they all wanted the best for me and this is what provided reassurance for me to enter the process of treatment feeling more comfortable.  During the time I was away for my treatment, the WPHP team worked with me and my treatment team throughout the course making sure that I got the appropriate treatment. They were flexible and made the time to accommodate me in their schedule for the phone encounters during my treatment. It was a smooth transition from my initial meeting with WPHP to entering treatment and finishing treatment, followed by continued monthly to every 3 month face to face encounters. Since I was not residing close to the main WPHP office in Seattle, the team made it easier for me by giving me the option to do Skype interviews so that I did not have to travel a long distance. What I really appreciated about the interviews was the team's wholesome approach to the client as a person than just a problem-focused approach. This made it easier for me to communicate and share my progress with them.

I am grateful to have gone through the process of treatment with the assistance of and coordination from WPHP, and to have gained my health back. I am doing much better and look forward to what the future has to offer. Thank you WPHP.

Realizing My Way Wasn't Working Saved My Life

April 1, 2019
Since 2009 I have had a problem with alcoholism. I tried to manage my recovery by myself, but was unsuccessful.  Through the years there were multiple attempts by WPHP to help me, but I remained resistant.

Recently through consultation with WPHP and following their recommendations, I have finally been able to achieve and maintain sobriety.  I am extremely happy with my life now, and credit WPHP with playing a critical role in helping me achieve it.

I will have to say that throughout my relationship with them I have always known that they had my best interests in mind, even though I resisted it.

My first contact was in 2009.  I did not agree with their recommendations, but did successfully complete the treatment program, and maintained sobriety for over 4 years.

Although I was not drinking, I did not pursue the recovery program they recommended.

My first relapse was in 2013.  I went to treatment.  Some significant issues were uncovered that may have been contributing to my relapses.  WPHP tried to guide me and I continued to try to do it my way, and was unsuccessful at maintaining my sobriety.

I lost my license in 2015, and WPHP discontinued their formal relationship with me,  However, they were willing to see me any time I initiated it. I struggled by myself, but it became clear that I would not be successful without their help.

Since June of 2018 realizing my way was not working, I decided to make some of the changes they had recommended.  WPHP has since met with me and helped me identify a rigorous program of recovery, and I feel it has saved my life.  I have never been happier or more hopeful.

Of course I want nothing more than to be monitored by WPHP and on my way to getting my license back. It would also be very important to me if in some way I could help other physicians, if somehow by sharing my story it would help.

Just saying thank you seems woefully inadequate, but thank you.

A Successful Pathway to Return to Work

April 1, 2019
I whole-heartedly believe that WPHP in its entirety (the staff, the weekly group, the other participants) saved my life. When I entered WPHP, my addiction had destroyed my health, my relationships, and my career. Signing up with WPHP initially was a last ditch effort to try anything to stay sober. Not only did it help me maintain sobriety, it exceeded what I could have imagined by fostering a supportive environment where I learned to develop a lifestyle of recovery. Most importantly, WPHP gave me hope when I thought it was all lost. In groups, I was able to meet other physicians that began in similar situations to me who were happily back at work, which gave me hope that recovery was possible. It was through numerous discussions with staff at WPHP that I discovered and started to see a potential future of my own. Through WPHP’s support and guidance, I have developed new friendships, healthy coping skills, and a structured pathway to safely return to medicine. WPHP is well organized, well-connected, and remains true to its primary goal of helping rehabilitate impaired physicians so they can successfully and healthily return to the practice of medicine. During my time with WPHP, I found that if I was willing to put in the work to recover, WPHP was able to effectively and efficiently advocate on my behalf to help me achieve all of my goals. It has been a blessing and a true privilege to be part of WPHP and to have access to its wonderful resources.